theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
