god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
