Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
