A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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