I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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