new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
