I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
