I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
