I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
