My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
