i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
