No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
