sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
His hands were made for my vagina.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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