I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
