i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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