dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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