Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
