I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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