if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
FUCK WHALES
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