bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
