My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
