Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
FUCK WHALES
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