My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
