i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
