it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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