you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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