Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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