its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
