I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
