Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You pole danced in your parka.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
