Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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