just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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