FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
