batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
A+ Viking dick
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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