Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize