I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
