so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
