That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
