Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
