Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize