So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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