I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
