I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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