a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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