def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
