Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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