So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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