i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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