Your dad touched me again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize