even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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