and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
