I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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