after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
