I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
