the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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