he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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