My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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