I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
tell me about the eggs
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize