I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just pee around me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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